Have you ever heard the words "Pussy Ping Pong?" If you have, then I know where you've been. I know the small streets you walked down, with your defenses in high gear. I know the bright, blaring lights advertising Western beer, Mekong whiskey and Thai girlfriends. And when you paused for a moment in the sea of hustlers and street vendors, you said to yourself, "Am I sober? Am I here? Am I in Bangkok, Thailand in the most famous sex show neighborhood in the world?" Yes, then you really stood on that sidewalk next to a man imitating the sound of a ping-pong springing out of a woman's vagina.

Here is the voice of a swindler listing of all the gynecological feats offered in Patpong: "You like Pussy shoot balloon? Lookey lookey, you like Pussy Magic Razor Blade for only one dollar? You like Pussy Writes a Letter (to my parents)? You like Girl on Girl Lesbian? We give you good price. Where you from? You like sexy Thai girl show?"

What did we do there? Well, my travel companion, Nick, and I stepped slyly into this bar, appropriately named The King's Club. A Thai cover band was playing a cover of "The Sultans of Swing."

I evaluated my surroundings. In every dark corner was a forty-something white man and at least two Thai women in short skirts, giggling and sipping on Singha as they fawned over him. We sat discreetly in the middle of the room and ordered two beers from a pouting woman wearing the number 14. She was dressed in a schoolgirl outfit and stood quietly on the sidelines, making sure her number was visible to the crowd. I told Nick that I had read in Culture Shock Thailand that Thai people don't respond to pointers. Rather than extending your index finger in the air and declaring, "That one", you should discreetly tell the manager "Number fourteen please, the one with the bobby-socks." And then I assume the sad, sick looking woman will follow you upstairs and have sex with you.

When the band finished their set of Top 40 hits from the 70's, an invisible DJ started spinning Snoop Dogg and Eminem. Nick and I mouthed the words. We fell silent when we were politely interrupted. A young Thai woman in a denim mini-skirt and her midriff exposed stood in front of us, gestured with her hands and said, "Sorry, I'm sorry." She excused herself first to Nick, then to me with an earnest look. Then she mounted the chair in front of us and danced around our table's metal pole. Her ass wiggled demurely in my face. Wouldn't Eminem and Snoop Dogg love to see the far-reaching inspiration of their music?

Nick and I looked at each other and stood up to leave. After wrestling our way through the crowd, we stepped out again onto the humid street. Hardly a moment had passed before another man pinched my arm and yelled in my ear, "Pussy Ping-Pong!" I elbowed his greasy hand away, grabbed Nick and headed into a maze of outdoor stalls selling t-shirts that said "Bush: Wanted for Crimes Against Humanity," and "Starfucks: Capitalism".

It has come to our attention that certain visitors are looking for more graphic representations of a "Ping-Pong Show". For your convenience, here are links to some wild ping-pong action and a sweet Thai pussy.

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